Confessions
by Shineera
Summary: In Nar Shaddaa, the Exile accidentally finds out something that leads her to confronting Atton, ending in a not so pleasant conversation...


Kalyn walked up the Ebon Hawk's ramp with her eyes almost burning holes into the back of the ship's pilot that walked steadily in front of her. She felt herself shake slightly as a mix of anger and confusion washed over her, her hand closing into fists and her eyes always locked into Atton's figure. The young woman noticed how hurriedly he went towards the cockpit, perhaps hoping to escape the upcoming interrogatory, but before he could get there, her hand grabbed a handful of his jacket and pulled him inside the security room, where they could talk without the spying eye of any cameras within the door was locked almost immediately by Kalyn and they were left face to face in the rather cramped space, where neither of them could escape the other.

"Eh, if you wanted to get me alone in a room, you didn't have to almost kidnap me, you could've just asked." he joked with an unsure smile upon his lips and a somewhat confused look in his eyes.

"Care to tell me what the hell was that about?" the Jedi asked, leaning against the door. Her palms were sweating and she was almost sure that she could hear her heart as it beat against her chest.

"What do you mean?" the smile was quickly replaced by a shadow on his eyes as he nervously swiped a loose strand of hair away from them.

"You know damn well what I mean."

For a moment, Kalyn hoped that Atton would joke again, that he would shrug everything off like it was nothing, that all of her suspicions were nothing but that... however the way he averted her gaze and tugged on his gloves nervously told her otherwise.

"Those Twi'leks we met earlier... they said you were a..."

"... a murderer?" he instantly cut her off, locking his eyes on hers, a pained expression on his face. "Yes, I know. I was there, remember?"

A terrible silence laid itself upon the room, both of them looking into each others eyes and not daring to utter a word, both knowing what would come next and dreading it.

Running his hand down his face and taking a deep breath, Atton was the first to break the silence, "Fine. Sooner or later it'd come to this, I guess..."

"Just tell me" she pleaded, biting her lip to stop it from quivering, not being able to bear the nerve wrecking silence.

The young man kept tugging on his fingerless gloves, taking a sudden interest on the monitors behind him, his voice coming out hoarse. "I used to serve with the Republic... with Revan. She... she was an inspiration to all of us, what you'd call a true leader, I guess. When the Mandalorian Wars broke out, she didn't sit around and wait like the precious and all mighty Jedi council did. Revan took matters into her own hands and prevented us all from being reduced to Mandalorian slaves. We owed it all to her... the same woman that soon turned on the Republic and got us all to follow her, because deep down we knew it was the right thing to do... I knew."

Kalyn covered her eyes with her trembling hands and hoped that the words she was listening to weren't real. However they kept flowing out of Atton's mouth, like it had all been suppressed for years and finally someone had given him the chance to let if all out.

"I... it was so easy, you know. To just leave everything behind and follow her blindly, to attack those that attacked us, those that didn't give a frack about anyone during the wars, that watched our people die by the millions and entire planets being victims of massacres. To attack the self righteous Jedi and show them the pain that they refused to acknowledge...."

"You... you joined the Sith." the young woman closed her hands into fists once again and dug her nails deep into them, trying to control her trembling voice.

As soon as he heard those words, the pilot's eyes raised to look at Kalyn, avoiding her just as quickly as he sought her.

"The Sith... what are the Sith really? Jedi, Sith, all people with too much power quarrelling over religion. Different names for the same thing, except one bunch is just more manipulative and hypocrite than the other. At least the Sith are honest about what they do, they're heartless, cruel bastards but they don't deny it. Now the Jedi... you know damn well how it is. That's why nothing gave me more satisfaction than to give them an end."

Kalyn's head was spinning, fast. She thought she'd quickly topple over, if it wasn't for the door frame into which she was leaning. All of his words, so unreal. It was like a dream... a nightmare, where everything felt cloudy and blurry, nothing was like it should be and yet everything was so familiar. She could see that the man in front of her was the same one that helped on the escape from Peragus, the one that had been concerned over her when she left to meet the crime lord Visquis, and yet it wasn't the same man, he was something different, something she didn't want to acknowledge, _at all_.

"Eh... I might as well just let it all out." he sighed with a bitter look on his eyes and a nervous chuckle that he quickly silenced, "I killed Jedi. For Revan. I killed and tortured them... and I was damn good about it. I knew their weak spots, I knew how to bring them down, swiftly and quickly, making them lose control and getting a kick out of it. I was the best and both I and my superiors knew it. And the best... the best was simply making them fall, making them see things through our perspective, not through some sugar-coated-Jedi-code-glass."

The pilot started pacing around the room, pulling on his fingers and running his hands through his hair in a nervous manner. He was on a roll and he wasn't going to stop anytime soon, which only made Kalyn's heart beat faster. How much more could there be? How much more did she have to hear? How much more lies and betrayal?

"I taught myself how to shield my mind from them... it's hard for Jedi to sense you or even try to weaken you mentally if you throw up walls of mixed and confusing feelings. Anger, impatience, cowardice, lust... everything and anything to mess up their little minds. And it did. Sometimes even the ones on our side didn't even realise I was there. I was just that good. Revan realised this and used me. She knew that if we were going to win the Jedi Civil War, we'd need as many Jedi as we could get, either they wanted it or not. So she started training elite units into assassinations squads, our job being to capture enemy Jedi... and to turn them."

"But you left the Sith. Why?" the woman whispered, finally gathering enough strength to speak and lifting her gaze to face Atton.

The Jedi's voice startled the pilot that glanced at her and, just as quickly, took a sudden interest on the floor beneath him. "There... there was a woman. It's not what you think though. She... she gave away her life. For mine."

"She sought me out one day, babbling some gibberish about coming to save me. She was a Jedi... and yet I listened to her. There was something I just couldn't ignore about this woman, either it was the way she talked or what she said – something just told me that I shouldn't ignore her. I listened to her – and she told me of Revan, of how she was breaking the Jedi in the Unknown Regions and how she would do the same to any of those in her service that showed any potential... to turn them. To make them her Dark Jedi. This Jedi woman had come to warn me, telling me I had the Force within me, that that was why I was so good at what I did and that eventually Revan would try to break me as well, that once she... they knew about it, there would be no escape."

"I knew of this to some extent, I had heard rumours of troops vanishing; I knew damn well that her words were true but I couldn't believe her. And to shield myself from her, I did it what I knew best. I caused her pain, all the pain I was feeling I transferred it into her... and when I thought that she would perish in front of me, she showed me the Force. She crawled into my head and showed me everything, her feelings, the life surrounding us, all but a small portion of the Force. I think... I know that it somehow made me love her – the kind of love that would make you give up everything for someone you don't even know, the same love she showed to me. And so I killed her. I killed her for loving me, for crawling in my head, for showing me all that I didn't want to know, for showing me how things really were... I killed her because I loved her."

"In the end, I had this woman sacrifice herself for me. Me. A torturer, a murderer, a monster. She let herself die to protect my secret, to prevent the Sith from knowing what I had inside of me, from turning me into a slave. And I felt it all, everything, her pain, her last dying thoughts. I still feel them to this day."

"Force or no Force, I ran. I had defected from the Republic and now I was defecting from the Sith, running to here, the smuggler's moon, to get lost in the crowd and to forget all that I had been, all that I had done...."

Silence made itself heard again in the room, marking the end of Atton's confession. Kalyn knew he was there, waiting for her to say something, to react, but she was too dumbfounded to even look at him. So, he reached for her, stretching a pleading hand towards her that she quickly avoided.

"Don't. Please... don't."

Atton was taken aback by this, his hand falling limply beside him and his eyes darkening with all the pain and shock caused by Kalyn's reaction. Her emotions finally got the best of her and all the self control that she had tried to preserve had finally fallen, allowing for all that she had within her to flow outwards without any restraints or thought.

"Now what, Atton? Tell me. What if I had tried the same? To show you the Force within you? Would've you done the same to me?" she uttered with her burning gaze upon the broken looking man. "Would've you killed me right then and there or... or murder me in my sleep? Oh I forgot... torture right?"

The young woman regretted her words as soon as they left her mouth and yet she felt them to be all too true. They weighed her down and it was becoming unbearable, all in a matter of seconds.

Atton's eyes widened at this rejection, and an uncontrolled outburst surged out of him "Damnit Kalyn! Out of all people... out of everyone, I thought you'd at least be able to understand! You've been in the war; you damn well know what it's like! It's either kill or be killed, you follow orders, you do not question them and you do whatever is necessary for your survival. That's what I did. I followed and did what I thought was right. You're not even in a position to judge me! What you did – what you all did in Malachor V... is it any different from what I've done?"

Atton let out a loud sigh and whispered, "I was really stupid uh... thinking you'd understand."

Silence settled itself once again upon the room that felt increasingly small and choking to Kalyn. She could feel her knees growing week, her head faint and her heart racing like it was about to rip out her chest open. It seemed like ages went by before the silence was broken again, this time by the Jedi that kept leaning in the door, trying her best to keep herself upright, finally fully facing him, not trying to hide her gaze from his.

"You can very well ask me for understanding Atton... like you said, I've been in the war, I know what's it like... and whatever reasons moved us to do what we did, we both murdered... innocents..."

Forcefully, Kalyn turned her back on Atton and grasped the lock, leaning her head against the door and closing her eyes once more.

"But forgiveness... I cannot even begin to forgive myself for the crimes I committed, let alone forgive the ones of others, but above all Atton... don't ask me for trust. That is something I cannot give you." she grabbed the lock and hurriedly opened the door "at least not for now."

As she felt the familiar feeling of her face being slightly caressed by her own tears, the young Jedi ran out of the room, leaving behind the broken man, with both a heavy conscience and a heavy heart.


End file.
